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Monday, October 22, 2012

Something About Forgiveness

When they say that death changes you, they weren't kidding!  The amount of changes I've gone through in the last two years have been from one extreme to the next.  Nothing about myself is the same since I lost my father.

Among the many changes I've gone through and the new outlooks I have on life, I've learned so many great lessons in these last two years.  I've had new people come into my life that I now consider to be family and I've lost some people in my life who I considered to be family.

And although my moods can change in an instant and I am vulnerable, irritable, and at times extremely negative, I feel pretty good about where I am and where I'm going - uncertainties and all!

I See The World

I read a quote recently form John Lennon (at least that's what the poster said, it could have been said by Hitler for all I know - damn interwebz) that read, "the more real you become, the more unreal the world gets."  That quote really hit me.  I've noticed a new aura about myself...I've lost that inner-dreamer; that person that thinks everyone in the world is good.  I've lost that appreciation for learning about others and loving them.

I think that the reason for this is because I'm starting to learn how people tick.  I'm seeing what's real about them.  Between how hard the times are in which we live and how desperate people are for normalcy, I'm beginning to understand what makes people snap.  I no longer see the good in the mugshot on the news channel, now I see the demon that is strangling their heart - whether or not it was ever a good heart, I don't know.  I just know that something has eaten away at their conscience for long enough that shooting up an office building or theatre or neighborhood seemed to be the right thing to do at the time.

We live in a hostile world.  Nothing about your life is safe anymore.  And since I've been "blessed" with this gift of intuition, I'm seeing that now.  I'm seeing people for what they truly are.  I can't complain about that, though, since I asked for answers and began receiving them and I still don't know where they come from.

Burn Down the Bridge

I have burned many bridges in these last few years.  Some of them were for no reason at all.  They also aren't lying when they say that misery loves company.  There was a point in time that anyone who was happy made my blood boil.  In which case, I turned off my "care switch."  This is one characteristic about me that is a curse and a blessing.  I can easily stop loving people.  I've stopped loving some of my own flesh and blood.  I can easily stop caring about people and their general well-being, regardless of how close I am to that person.

I have tried repairing a few of these bridges.  I have tried coming to terms with the awful things I did to some people, swallowed my pride, and owned up to my wrongdoings.  Although I may not have apologized directly, I have made amends in my own way and feel rather positive about the outcomes.

Every person, everywhere makes mistakes.  That is the general purpose of life - make a mistake, learn from it, move on.  Burn that bridge, rebuild it, walk over it.  That's life.  That's what we are here for.  We are here to make the most of that.

If I have done you wrong in any way, shape, or form in the last few years, please accept this as my apology.

If I have made you angry or upset, please know that I am unbelievably sorry.  And there is nothing more that I'd like than to sit down with a few people that I know consider me an enemy and talk about why they feel that way.  I'd like to know what people think of me.  I'd like to understand and correct my past.

My entire belief system revolves around one simple way of life:  KARMA.

My karma is probably the worst its ever been.  I feel as though I can't achieve true happiness unless I resolve this bad karma with people.  I have suffered.  I have betrayed.  I have been lost.

And please know that there are no excuses for the things I've done in my life.  There are no excuses for the things I've done and probably still continue to do to people.  I have realized the type of person I am. I have understood that there are some people in life that I am not meant to get along with.  If you are reading this, its the same thing with you.  There will always be people you dislike and can never connect with.  Don't try.  Don't make the effort.  Recognize the differences and move on with your life before hostility arises.

If I am one of these people in your life, don't feel like you will offend me by saying so.  I completely understand.  And if we have bad blood to begin with, then I probably feel the same way.  But please, work with me on resolving the hostility so we can both move on with a clean slate.

Loss and Life

When you lose someone important, someone who meant the world to you, you go through the stages of grief.  I still don't know those stages and I don't know what stage I could possibly be in right now, but I do know that I faced the angry stage.  And during this stage, I burned all of my bridges.  I was accused of having lost my mind.  I was told I am intolerable.

I know how I was.  I know how I can still tend to be.  I know that this anger of losing my father so young will haunt me for the rest of my life.  I don't expect anyone to understand and I don't want anyone to ever have to endure the pain of losing a parent at 22 years old.  I don't wish upon anyone the voice that flutters through your head during a time like that and it says "I could think of ten people that should have taken their place."

I still think like that sometimes.  I still blame others sometimes.  I still wish death upon people in order to bring my father back sometimes.  I'm still angry at his doctors and at him.  I'm still angry that I see girls being walked down the isle by their dads and I will never have that moment.  I never, in my life, danced with my father.  I will never be able to hold his hand and tell him that he will be a grandfather.  I will never see the look on his face when he meets his grandchild for the first time.  I will never hear his soothing voice again.  I can't ask him for help with my car.  I can't ask his advice on a repair.  I will never hug him again.  He will never tell me, "ohhh honey, it'll be OK" again.

Take a second and absorb all of that.  Think about it for a minute.  And try to understand how anger can mysteriously appear in your heart if that were you.  Then try to understand why I may have burned that bridge.

Like I said, I'm not making excuses.  There is no excuse for some of my actions.  But there can be a certain way of life that can cause such tension.  There are days that I am a ticking time bomb.

All I ask is that you give me the time to repent.  Let me forgive myself by forgiving me.  

Life is too short to have these dark clouds lingering over us anymore.  Life is too short for hostility and anger toward others anymore.

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