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Sunday, January 23, 2011

In Time of Loss

It is far from easy to live each day without my father.  I am constantly thinking of things to tell him or ask him the next time I see him.  I catch myself wishing I spent more time with him during his last few days of life, rather than think only of myself.  I feel that he should have been holding my hand through his last breaths.

However, I am finally living the way he wanted me to, the way he should have.  I am allowing his legacy to live on through the stories and memories I share with the world.  He was the most beautiful person, inside and out, that I have ever known.

The depression I feel now will soon pass.  The feelings of angst and panic that I feel now because of his death will soon become warm, lucid memories that will fill my heart and soul with love that I will always have for him.

I find that people I know are forever complaining and wallowing in their own self - pity over their own lives and journeys.  At this time, with all of the things I'm feeling, I can not sympathize in the way they'd probably want me to.  I feel that instead of worrying about being single or thinking about what others think of you, you should be embracing the people in your life.  I would never wish what happened to our family upon anyone, but I do feel that if you put yourself in the shoes of someone in my situation, you'd realize just how much you appreciate the smaller things in life.

I am so thankful that I have found love, of the truest nature.  I thank my father for that, for he is the reason I have been brought together with the love of my life, my soul mate, and my living hero.  In the time of loss of my father, I took a wonderful friendship to the next level, in which he moved over a thousand miles to start his life with me.

I am thankful to have a wonderful brother, who I can honestly say has been my rock through everything we've had to endure since that sad November day.  I feel that I can finally establish the relationship I should have with my brother.  We take a different look on life and relationships now.  We are all each other has and we are all my mother has.  Our family bond has grown stronger than ever in our time of loss.

My friendships have grown stronger than ever.  I realize who my truest friends and family are during this time.  They understand my bad days and they realize when to step up and be the shoulder I need.  They were all there from the moment I got the news and will remain there through all of the other hurdles I will face in my life, as I am there for theirs.

Nothing will fill the void in my life where my father should be.  Nothing will ever take the place of the greatest man I've ever known, however, during this time of loss and mourning, I've learned to truly appreciate the finer things in my life.

2 comments:

  1. your such a wonderful daughter...he would be so proud of you sweety...your such a strong girl..the memories get easier but i cant say the pain does...my heart goes out to you and your family....stay strong..stay beautiful...we love you...

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  2. Hey Malia. I just checked my My Space page (after a couple of years) and found the link to your page here. Last I saw about you you were struggling to get closer to your dad. I was hoping yall got everything.
    Seems like things have changed for you here. I am sorry for your loss. Blessings to you and all who loved him.

    This blog is deep, like you always seemed to be. I am reading it now starting way back. Your writing remains strong and insightful. Keep it up.
    Rocky Holland(Crazyfingers)

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